"For it has been granted on you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for Him"
-Philippians 1:29
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST IS VERY HONEST
As the end of the year approaches quickly, I'd like to share some of my reflections of this past year. To preface this post though, I'd like to encourage you to remember the good in the past year, not only the bad. Even in the bad or difficult situations, God is always so good. That being said, I am going to talk about some of the struggles that I had this year, particular in this past school semester. I will write another reflection probably sometime after the New Year arrives in my key verse testimony. For now though, I'll just share what's been on my mind recently.
There have been a lot of changes this year, but they've all seemed to happen so fast that I kind of missed a lot of them. For starters, my church has finally started construction to expand the building, which we have been trying to do for a long time now. Also, a lot of people have been coming and leaving the church as well. We have a new associate pastor (something we never had), as well as many new members. We have new students from the University of Maryland, as well as new members from out of state. The change I want to talk about today was quite significant not only for me, but for many others in my church. One of the families has left to Vietnam due to a job change. We all knew that this change was coming, and we all tried to prepare mentally for it, but I don't think we were truly ready for this change. The father of this family was our long time YDJ (our church's college group) leader, of whom we relied on heavily to lead YDJ meetings.
As some of you know, last year I joined the so called "YDJ committee", since I was asked to join. At the time, I thought it wouldn't be a big deal, since it seemed like they had everything already figured out. I figured that I would just go to a couple meetings to help them plan, and maybe help out with praise every now and then. In the beginning, that was the case, but as time passed, I found that I had more and more responsibilities in the group. I had to lead praise almost every week, and even lead some meetings. When we found out that our leader was leaving, we didn't really know what to do. We had relied on him to lead us, and we simply just did what he said. What we decided to do in the fall and winter was try and spread the responsibility between the leaders we had now, to try and prepare for the future when we wouldn't be able to rely on our former leader.
The fall semester went by without much difficulty, but I assumed even more responsibility than I had before. I now led praise every week, since our praise leader couldn't do it anymore. I also did the announcements at the end of the meetings, which normally our former leader would do. Additionally, I found that I had to take care of a lot of behind the scene things, which I normally would never have done before. Honestly though, this was not a huge deal, since I still could rely on our leader for advice or guidance. Before he left, we decided we wanted to have a winter retreat. However, our leader was going to leave before the retreat, so we would have to plan it without him.
During the planning phase of the retreat (which we are still in), I've had a lot of stress. We had meetings to distribute responsibilities between the leaders, which went fine. What stressed me out was that it felt like we never really accomplished what we said we were going to do. To be brutally honest, I wondered if any of the other leaders cared about the retreat and planning it. I felt like nothing ever got done, and I had to continually ask the others if they were doing their part. One phrase that I really learned to hate was "well I assumed that". It felt like I had to do the job of three people all by myself, since it seemed like no one else was taking responsibility.
Last Sunday, I felt extremely burdened and depressed. Perhaps I was tired, but I really felt like I was doing too much on my own. I had to lead praise for the retreat, write a message, figure out the schedule, deal with supplies, and now I thought I was going to have to lead a bible study group. This made me frustrated that I let myself take so much responsibility, and frustrated at the other leaders for not stepping up. I even considered not being a YDJ leader anymore, since it burdened me to do a lot of things that I was not expecting to have to do.
However, later that same night, I started a conversation with a friend, who encouraged me to keep going strong. I also was chatting with another leader, who I have learned to appreciate greatly. We were talking about different details of the retreat, and she told me that I don't have to be a bible study leader. This relieved me immensely, since I could now focus more energy on my message. The following day, yesterday, we continued to talk about the retreat, and I realized that she and others had done a lot to prepare for the retreat. A lot of things that I was worried about were being taken care of. I learned to appreciate the other leaders, because they were doing more than I gave them credit for. Was I still doing a lot? Yes, I was, but I felt like I wasn't alone. The preparation for the retreat felt bearable, and not overwhelming.
This struggle with the retreat reminded me that being a leader is never easy. You have to do a lot more than you may expect. However, I was also reminded that I am never alone. Not only do I have other leaders that I can trust, I also have a friend in Jesus. He never will give me anything that I cannot bear, and He is always by my side. I just forgot to be thankful for the things that I already had, and I let the bad situations around me bring me down. I feel like 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 is a perfect ending to this post. "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
-Smart
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